Cover your eyes
by flossie1
Summary: Lily Evans has the perfect boyfriend. He's gentle, caring and gives the best kisses she's ever had. Only thing is, he's not James Potter. When Lily realises what she feels for him, how far will she go? Would she risk her perfect life on one chance? Finis
1. Default Chapter

Cover your eyes (don't let you catch me) 

Flossie1                            

_Summary: _When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? Or do you hide?  A story of Lily and James, and another.

_Disclaimer: _I own nothing but the plot and Michael.

_Author's Note: _Okay- to be truthful, I really write Gilmore Girl fan fiction. Up until recently, I'd never read a Harry Potter fic before about a month ago. And I found I'm a really big Lily and James fan. But I've found that every second story has exactly the same plot. It's basically, Lily hates James, and James likes Lily. Lily begins to like James. They end up together.  Honestly, this has pissed me off. A lot. So I've written (what I think is) a completely original fic (my first ever Harry Potter one- congratulate me) One that isn't all like the others and one that doesn't go on and on with Lily hating him, then liking him, then hating....  I'm not targeting any of these fictions- but that's what I've been reading. 

So make up your minds about how much you hate the idea and tell me.

_-o..o-_

When he kissed her, she felt something.

There wasn't a fluttering of butterflies- or a weakening of knees. But he made her feel…special. Needed, wanted. Like she meant something to him, like he meant something to her. He would hold her face when they kissed, slow, passionate, savouring every second. Like she was precious, breakable. And he needed to hold her. 

When she would break away he would get this yearning in his eyes, she would giggle, and scold him. They would be late, late if they didn't get to class soon. 

He would watch her, see her smiling, laughing with her group of friends at lunchtime. She made him happy; she was his sunlight, his rock, the person that helped him through each day. He loved her for that. He wished he could tell her, scream it out to the whole world. He loved Lily Evans! But he knew he couldn't. 

He was cowardly, a fool. When he was with her it made him feel he wasn't so stupid, after all, how could he be when he was able to hold the hand of a beautiful, intelligent girl? 

But when he was alone- lying there in his dorm, he knew. He liked lying to himself; he liked convincing himself that when she told him he was perfect she was telling him the truth. She wouldn't lie to him she had said. Never. 

He hated James Potter. He didn't know why exactly- or when it started. He only knew that when he would talk to Lily, he would get mad. Not mad at her, but there was something about James that he didn't trust. If there was one thing, he wasn't blind. He could see James liked Lily; he would torment her, make jokes and trick her between classes. He didn't like it when James would come up to Lily, talk to her or make her smile. That was the worst thing, when she would smile at him, like James Potter was worth smiling at. She didn't think anything of James, she had told him, he was a creep, and a bully- he didn't deserve even part in their conversation she had said. But that didn't stop him for being jealous every time he saw them, even when they fought;

.

"Leave him ALONE!"

It had made him look up from his book, noticing Lily had left from where she sat with her friends near the lake, a few feet from him. He quickly turned his head to her, his eyes levelling when he saw who she was yelling at,

"All right, Evans?" 

He almost laughed listening to James' voice deepen like that, as if he was putting on a show.

"Leave him alone, what's he done to you?"

He leaned closer trying to hear what James said to that- but he didn't need to know, just by the look on his face he saw it was something cocky and smart-ass. 

Looking over to Lily's friends he saw they were listening keenly, giggling most likely at how gorgeous James looked. It was like a regular event now- listening to them fight. His ears pricked up when he heard James trying to get her to go out with him. That- if it could, made him the maddest of all. James _knew _he was her boyfriend, obviously he didn't see him as competition. 

A few minutes passed, he was only casually listening in now; he looked up to see her wand in her hand. His heart gave a sudden jolt. He quickly stood up, dropping his book, watching the fight, trying to make out whereabouts James was holding his wand. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw it pointed at the object of James' harassment. He knew he wouldn't, couldn't have stood up to any of them. James and his three friends not only outnumbered him. 

Lily was walking towards them again, an angry yet determined look on her face, ignoring James shouting after her. She stopped in from of him, 

"Michael, couldn't you have helped me out? At least stood by me? For your girlfriend for heavens sake?"

She looked upset, disappointed, he struggled for words a little, 

"I was going to, I, Oh Lily, you know I'm no match for them."

She bit her lip, and began to say something, then stopped herself. In the end taking him into a hug, "Don't worry, it's alright, I was wrong."

"Reading through the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate."

"Right…right."

He looked back to the lake; saw her hugging her boyfriend, Mike or something, before he kissed her on the lips. He swallowed, watching him run his hands through her hair. Finding himself wishing it were him there, wishing it were him who Lily had chosen to go out with. Why would she do that? No one _he_ knew even had met this Mike guy. As far as James knew, the only good thing going for him was that he was going out with Lily Evans. What was even more strange was that they were still going out, for at least two terms now; Lily was actually going out with this guy voluntarily. 

People wondered what the hell this guy did have to offer for Lily Evens.  

But Lily knew, and although she never would say it out loud, she would never ever tell anyone. 

Michael was everything James wasn't. And in her eyes- that has got to be good.

_-o..o-_

_._


	2. one

_Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)_

_Flossie1_

_Summary: _When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? Or do you hide? 

_Disclaimer: _I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

_Author's Note: _I find that there's always got to be something that people always get confused about- and reading the first chapter over again, I'd be so confused too. So firstly, at the beginning, Lily was talking about when she kisses Michael, not James. Then its Michael's POV for the rest of the chapter. This chapter is where the story really begins, and I hope you understand it better. One thing I despise about this chapter is that I didn't describe the kiss as well as I would like to- but I have my reasons. 

And you've got to understand that thi is a really big chapter for me to write- so treasure it.

-0..0-

"Just a second longer?"

"Michael, I told you, I have to go."

"Where?"

"I just have to go, alright?"

"Where are you going Lily? What are you keeping from me?"

"_Nothing!_ Okay? Can you just, just leave me alone for a second, one bloody second?!"

Lily had sounded mad. James was embarrassed to say that that had made him happy. It was strange knowing how much glee he was getting out of someone else's distress. Perhaps they would break up? His heart pumped quicker- Perhaps she would break it off now, while they were still fighting- while he still had his ear pressed against the dorm door-

"What are you _doing _Potter?"__

I looked up from my position on the floor. Saw two beautiful green eyes. 

Two angry, beautiful green eyes. 

It wasn't a question- a statement really- she knew exactly what I was doing. She just wanted to hear it from me, wanted me to say it…"Yes Lily Evans, I was indeed listening in on your having a fight with your boyfriend of six months, why you ask? Oh...well..." 

She wanted to see me squirm;

"Ugh, so what are you doing Lily?" 

Yes, brilliant. Answer a question with a question. Ingenious Potter. 

"Me, Potter?"

"Ye-"

"'I' am wondering why on earth James Potter would have his ear to the very room I was having a conversation in. 'I' am wondering how James Potter manages to have his head so far up his ass that he still manages to breathe. But above all, Potter, 'I' am leaving."

I watch her stalk off in the opposite direction. A smile plays at the corner of my lips-

"What are you smiling at?"

It's Michael now; he's red in the face- from shouting so much most likely- and looking at me accusingly. 

I shrug, and smile. 

"So what are you smiling at Michael?"

He turns redder;

I'm not, I am _not _smi-" He takes a deep breath, "Don't talk to my girlfriend any more, okay?"

"What are you, her keeper? Besides, it doesn't look as if you two are going to be around much longer now, does it?"

He shakes his head, looks to the ceiling and sighs.

"You think your so wonderful Potter. I have to break it to you, but Lily hates you. There I was thinking Lily was incapable of hating anyone- then I'm introduced to you. Believe me- you will never, ever get so much as a date with Lily Evans so long as your name is James Potter and you have a pulse."

-0..0-

Lily was sitting on the floor of the common room when James walked in. The fire was dying down to a soft glow, the light making dark flickering shadows onto the wall. 

James doubted she had even noticed his presence, for minutes he watched her as she struggled with a question, watched as her brow knitted together when she read the lines over. James stepped behind the wall, hiding himself from her view. 

Every now and then she would put her quill down and watch the fire as it died out, her face basking in the heat, then James her could see she had been crying, noticed her page smudged with tears and her eyes red. He hadn't seen that before. He wasn't aware Lily Evans cried. He scarcely breathed, as she began to pack away her books into her bag. 

Her hand slipped, and she dropped her inkwell onto the carpet, the blue ink spread out quickly, soaking into the cream fabric easily. He heard her curse softly, and then with a sudden hiccup, slumped to the floor and wept, her sobs louder and louder as her chest heaved in and out.

James' heart pounded into his chest, he was scared shitless. 

James Potter, big Quidditch captain and hunk, afraid of a crying girl. But she wasn't just any girl mind, it was Lily.

"Do you, ugh, want some help there?"

I jumped, and looked up quickly, to see James Potter standing there. I stopped breathing, and felt my face burn with embarrassment. I swallowed slowly, trying to find some words, any, to scream. Accuse him of following me, and spying, anything to get him out of the room. And quickly. But for the first time I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and swore under my breath, how long had he been there?

"I, umm, mean with the ink, I could fix that up for you if you'd like." 

He walked towards me gingerly, as if he was frightened of me, as if I would lash out at any given moment. It was almost as if I were frozen to the spot, I could feel myself shaking slightly. He crouched down slowly, and looked up at me, his hazel eyes soft and apologetic. His hand came to my face and brushed a fallen tear from my cheek, his eyes never leaving mine. I shivered suddenly, and found myself wishing he hadn't touched me only because he felt sorry for me. 

He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand cautiously, watching me. He muttered a spell quietly, and the blue ink vanished from the carpet. 

He looked back to me, as if daring me to speak, as if daring me to get up and leave him there.

I didn't though, for some reason I stayed. 

It didn't seem wrong when he lent his face closer to mine, when he finally kissed me, or unfaithful when I kissed him back. He seemed shocked when I did, I was too, but everything that happened from then on I don't think I will ever regret. It was different to when Michael would kiss me, when we kissed lately; he seemed so possessive, especially in the halls, before class, especially when James was around. I know now, how selfish I was being. 

For one moment I had no problems in the world. I felt weightless. For one blissful moment I didn't have to worry about anything I should have been. 

All that mattered was that I was happy. It felt right.  

I can't describe how I felt when James and I kissed, but I knew I felt something I never felt with anyone else. I felt as though I could stay in his arms forever.

But when I lay in bed that night, deliriously thinking of James I remembered. 

Michael.

.


	3. two

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

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Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: Can you believe I wrote this is about 20 minutes? Well…when you read it I reckon you could…but hey! Its been a while an I figured homework isn't nearly as important as all you special people. Oh! And special quiz, "Where, in this chapter, is a famous song line from The Beatles?"

Ticka ticka ticka…. 

Whoever guesses right gets my unconditional love and reviews for whatever they write- whether it be anime (yuck!) or bad harry/Ginny (yuck!!) 

-0-0-

My heart was pounding, James was staring at me, again. I could feel his eyes on me, watching my every move. I knew what he wanted me to do, how could he let me forget? Every night when we met he would remind me of it. He wanted me to drop Michael. It would be always the same conversation we had, well, argument really, and then, just as I was at my maddest, just as I was re-thinking this whole secret affair we had, he would kiss me. All the doubts I had, all the uncertainties and the worries would just…vanish. They wouldn't matter anymore. How come his kisses always made me feel like that? Feel so…loved. 

And that is why I can't stand his eyes on me. Can't stand that he makes things worse when he's near me- so close that I could touch him? Can't stand that when he grabs me in the hall after my classes that one day Michael will see?

He says I'm being over-dramatic. I wish I were. 

-0-0-

"Lily? Shit. Just…"

"I can't do it James, why can't you just settle knowing that I'm really with you? Please?"

He said it slowly, as if he was forcing the words out, as if he was unsure of what was going to hurt her or not. But after he had started, it all came out;

"You don't know what it's like when I see you and _him_,' he spat the words venomously, "hold hands, when he whispers some crap into your ear or when he looks at you, and then at me, as if he's, he's…mocking me." 

He stopped for a moment, breathing cautiously, "I want to be able to hold your hand Lily, I want to be able to whisper in your ear and I want to be able to stare at you all I want. I want to tell everyone that Lily Evans is my girlfriend and I want to shout out to the whole fucking world that I love her," he swallowed, 

"I don't want anything about us to be a secret."

He looked up at her, his green eyes turning to hers, begging for her to look up at him, to acknowledge him. Nothing he had ever done before made him so scared as he was at that moment. 

They didn't end their fight with a kiss that night. 

-0-0-

The hall was loud and bustling, owls swooping down with letters and news, second years quarrelling and the constant sound of knives and forks and toast and cereal and bacon and…Oh shit she was going to be sick. 

James. Fourteen people down, reading the Prophet and chewing a piece of toast- (jam and butter), he had on his quidditch robes and yellow socks. Oh my god she was staring at _him_ now? 

Michael came down and sat next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She swallowed in the screams and pleas her heart was bellowing at her, and turned to smile at him. 

Can't she know I can see her? Wouldn't she realise I chose this spot because when I look at the window near the third door I have the perfect view of her face? And Michael. When he sat down, next to Lily, and put his arm around my girlfriend's waist…I could have stood up and strangled him with, oh I don't know…my toast. But then she smiled at him. How dare she!? She was supposed to be smiling at "me". What happened next, what I saw after that, it was…disgusting. 

She kissed him, he kissed her back, they kissed, and I swear there was tongue somewhere there.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did after that.

I guess you could say I'm the jealous type. 

I pulled away from him and hopped off his lap. In that second I looked over at James. He was staring right back at me. I went completely cold, right to my toes, he wasn't supposed to see that…please let him not have seen…

I watched him as he smiled sweetly at me, pulled out of his chair and cleared his throat loudly. The whole bloody hall went dead quiet- he sure knew how to get an audience…

"Ladies and gentlemen, " he began, "I hate to interrupt your meal so rudely but I was just noticing this absolutely sickeningly cute couple over there in the corner there." He pointed, "Aren't they sweet?' he crooned, "How long have you two been together now?" Holding his hand in a fist he thrust it into Lily's face like a microphone.

"Three months, James." Her voice was cold and hardly a whisper.

"Oh, I don't mean how long you've been a couple, " James looked around the room, chuckling as if her answer was absurd, "I meant how long you've been faithful?"

.


	4. three

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

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Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: Okay, so I'm back. Strangely enough this chapter took me a long time- usually its only half an hour or so. But I think it's finished. To me this is an extremely confusing chapter- so firstly I have to tell you it switches from first Lily, then to James, then to Sirius, then to James and then Lily, James, Lily. Phew. 

Oh, andx-woman1 won the competition I had with the Beatles if anyone was wondering.

Enjoy. 

****

-0-0-

There were tears, definitely, she could feel the burn of her eyes every time she closed them, and every time she closed them there were colours. Swirling colours, all of the rainbow, twisting and turning and spiralling, making her head thump and her breath quicken. She was so confused, so worried that she could not take back the past months.

But then if she could, then would she really want to, would it be the best?

"Hey Lily, what was going on down there in the hall? What did James mean?"

"Lils! Where've you been? Why have you locked the door?"

"Lily open up! I have to ask you something!"

"What's going on Lily? Michael wont come out of the bathroom either- we're worried. Lily…"

And then it stopped, they had given up probably, figured it wasn't worth it. Was she worth it?

Well good. She wanted peace and quiet anyhow. Maybe that would clear up her head, make it all stop and let her have at least one sound thought. 

-0-0-

Fuck. 

Why did he always have to make everything go crazy? Why was it always him that leaves the girl in the bathroom crying? The fire in the common room was too hot, the whispers too loud, sweat was trickling down him forehead, down his cheeks, he touched them.

No, tears. 

All around him he could hear them whispering about the scandal. Everyone had their own opinion, everyone had something to say, and as each person drew breath- there was bound to have more shit come dribbling out of their mouth. 

He wanted to stand up and scream at them that they had gotten it all wrong, that he hadn't stolen Lily from Michael, he hadn't corrupted her and stolen her innocence. "Never in a million years would I have guessed Lily be off with James Potter- that woman pig..." He wanted to tell each and every one of them that Lily was not locked in the bathroom only because James has the incessancy to stuff up lives. 

He wanted to, but there was a tiny little voice, quiet and soft, kept telling him they were all right, that James was wrong, and he just couldn't see it.

Well, if there was one thing he knew he would be tortured to watch every time he fell asleep was the look on Lily's face earlier that morning. 

He was branded with the image, to forever watch as Lily eyes darkened, as her face froze, watch as Michael stood up to punch James, but then look back at Lily, and his whole body collapsed, he was on the floor, the cold floor, and then there was James. Watching from atop of them both, as he saw the recognition cross him like a thousand slashes to his face. 

He looked up again at Lily, her face blank, white, unmoving, and then to James. He nodded once, and stood himself slowly up- like it took every strength to. 

And then Sirius stood, and offered him a hand. And he took it.

And then there was Sirius, betraying him. 

No. 

Sirius was the betrayed one. 

That was, if there was to have a moment in his life to come second in hell, the moment when Sirius turned to look at him when he helped Michael up, and his eyes. Sirius- the guy that James laughed with, played pranks with, known since he was 11 years old, the one that went out with a different girl each week, was disappointed in him. 

James had stepped, knowingly, selfishly, over the line that should never have been crossed. 

-0-0-

It was wrong. Sirius Black, of all people, deserting his best friend. But it wasn't deserting he reminded himself. 

James had left a long time ago. 

When it became his whole life to make a game out of Lily Evans. He had been sitting there, spells for the coming test replaying, running over and over his mind when he heard James make his pimpy, "look at me!" speech. 

Normally Sirius wouldn't have minded. But he did. Because when he saw Lily, he knew she loved James, it was so clear, in her eyes, her smiles, her frown. 

And that would have been alright, if Sirius hadn't known James well. 

And James was one of those guys that didn't particularly care much for anything. 

Sure, his friends, and certain family members, but Sirius knew that he was using this girl, this oblivious pretty, girl, because he liked to show who was boss. He didn't love her, or else he wouldn't hurt her in front of the whole school. 

And that why it felt so much better to help this poor girl's poor boyfriend up, not walk away hand-in-hand with James. 

Sometimes it's fair to do what you think is right, and not care about everyone else, screaming at you to go the other way- to walk in the other direction because of your past or what they think you believe in. 

-0-0-

James couldn't handle it anymore, god, he had at least five girls giving him a death stare from behind, ten or so glaring at him from the right, and then Sirius shaking his head sadly at him from the other side. 

He strode out of the room towards the girl's dormitories, not caring about the looks he was getting, or the girl's telling him not to go, he just pushed past them, silenced them.

-0-0-

Lily heard someone softly lean against the other side of the door. 

Like a mirror of her leaning on it from the other side. 

She could hear his soft breathing and the heaviness against her back, and the colours faded away, the swirling, moving headache was going, and she let the breath she had been keeping for so long, out. Let it go. 

-0-0-

He swallowed. He didn't know how long he'd be sitting here, on the faded cream carpet in front of Arabella's four-poster. 

It was nice.

-0-0-

She got herself slowly up from the still tiles, her legs creaking a little. 

And she turned the knob to the door. 

.


	5. four

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

__

Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: This chapter wasn't supposed to be anything like this. You see- I had this whole story planned out- and I've gone off the tracks- and I'm liking it now. coffeegal102- thank you for your great review- I figured I needed a third person from the outside of the facade to show the other side of it. I was listening to Coldplay as I wrote this.

I like writing this story because I convey some of the emotions I feel into Lily and James. And to hear from a reviewer that their emotions are "real" is so wonderful. I've always liked to write raw emotion- shameless. 

-0-0-

"James! Where the hell have you been?"

Sirius looked up from the fireplace, catching his eye with James', 

"Jesus Prongs, what have you done?" His voice was softer, calmer now, caring almost. He looked James over; it looked as if he'd just come from hell and back.

"I talked to Lily, " His voice broke at the end, his dry lips cracked a little as he grimly smiled, "She doesn't want me to see her anymore."

He allowed a few moments of silence, "In fact," his voice rising, "She doesn't ever want to fucking see me, not even in the fucking corridors, or in classes…." 

His face hardened, 

"Shit, Padfoot, I don't think I'm getting another chance." 

Sirius watched him, watched as his best friend took the shot, the stab, the cognition of what he'd just said. 

__

Another Chance, that's all he needed, that's all anyone needed. If he could start over, if he could erase a moment in his life, if he could…

If he could change. If he wasn't who he was. Maybe, _maybe _then he'd have a chance. 

But he'd lost it all now. And it was his entire fault.

__

"You think your so wonderful Potter. I have to break it to you, but Lily hates you. There I was thinking Lily was incapable of hating anyone- then I'm introduced to you. Believe me- you will never, ever get so much as a date with Lily Evans so long as your name is James Potter and you have a pulse."

Lily hates you. Hate.

-0-0-

I think I'm in love with him. 

Should I be feeling this? Is it wrong? Isn't love supposed to be a good thing, when all the birds start chirping and rainbows appear in the sky? 

Aren't I supposed to be happy, isn't that the way things are supposed to go?

Why did I say that to him before? 

__

"James?"

I remember he looked up at me, his eyes were red, swollen… 'he's been crying…'

"Yes?"

His voice was low, quavering, he was scared. God- if he were scared- how was I to get through this?

"James, I, I don't think this," I swallowed, he was nodding, he'd expected this, I hurried on, 

"What I mean is, I know what you did down there, at breakfast, I know, I mean, I don't blame you for it, I don't' want you to think I didn't deserve that, I mean, I do…"

I stopped and looked at him, begging for him to speak, to rid me of the job. Our eyes met, his grey eyes, solid, powerful, strong, willing me to go on. I didn't want to! Why was it my turn?

His eyes dared me on. 

We neither wanted to hear it.

I cleared my throat- loudly. Too loudly. Fake. 

'James, please don't make it any worse then it already is. I'm going to forget this- please let me forget you."

His head shot up…'he didn't expect that….' I kicked myself, what if he feels he same way, god Lily, don't say it…

"Please don't talk to me anymore, please don't look at me, or be near me,' I could feel myself breaking, smashing, the hole going deeper and deeper, digging, "You know it James, you knew it. This was never going to work out."

I pushed past him, through the door, "Lily, don't do this." Of course, now he speaks…

"It would be embarrassing if you were seen in the girl's dormitories, I think you'd better go." No- don't go, stay here, please, don't listen to me…

"You don't mean that Lily, you don't want me to do that."

He grabbed for my hand; I let him take it. It was warm, comforting. Pleading.

"No. I don't mean it." I heard my words before I knew I had spoken them. 

I pushed his hand away from mine, it felt cold now. I felt alone. 

"But please go anyhow."

And he went. 

Gone.

-0-0-

He was lying out on his bed, starfish style. Sirius could hear him softly breathing, he looked peaceful- normal. Sirius imagined no one would guess what a wreck he had been only hours before.

__

"Shit, Padfoot, I don't think I'm getting another chance."

He was going to say 'Of course you are mate, just change your entire image and stop being yourself and she'll come'a crawling back'- the obvious answer- the answer that would make him feel better about himself. 

That would see him go to bed thinking tomorrow she will see what a wonderful guy he really is- and jump him the first chance she got.

A lie. A harmless lie, to help him out. A lie all the same. 

He saw it.

"James, christ- you love her don't you?"

He didn't have to answer. 

You know sometimes- those times in romance novels and people speak without words? Those types of stories that make you puke at the raunchy cover- and then ashamedly cry when the hero dies, as his girlfriend is pregnant? 

Yeah, those types of stories.

You know what? You can speak without words. All you have to do is feel it, know it. And then its there- it's written all over your face, in messy black ink- so clear. 

Anyone can read it. 

-0-0-

Honey you are a rock

  
Upon which I stand

  
And I came here to talk

  
I hope you understand 

  
The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you

  
And how could, anybody, deny you

  
I came here with a load

  
And it feels so much lighter now I met you

  
And honey you should know

  
That I could never go on without you

  
**Green eyes**

  
Honey you are the sea

  
Upon which I float

  
And I came here to talk

  
I think you should know

Green Eyes

Coldplay (A rush of Blood to the Head)

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	6. five

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

__

Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: This isn't usually like me. Don't get used to it.

Get a chapter as long as this I actually got a chapter up 

Amazing huh? The whole story climax is coming up soon- so even though it may seem as though things are going pretty slow- I hope you can all understand that this is like…the calm before the storm you know? I'm hoping it is the calm- and just not some seriously bad writer's block. (and I'm hoping that it writer's block doesn't exist) This is a pretty big chapter for me. 

Thousand and six hundred and forty nine words, this chapter is absolutely massive. This- I'm not sure how this chapter is going to be to all you guys- I'm especially hoping it all seems, not too soap opera'ish. Thank you to all those who reviewed- Here it is.

-0-0-

__

I don't know what it's like to feel completely empty. To have no friends no loved ones. To feel completely hollowed out- to feel like there is no one in the world who would care if you were to die that very second. How it would feel not to care about any one in the world- so lonely. So isolated.

I imagine that it's a lot like this. 

"Well, truthfully, Lily- he wouldn't have been good for you anyway, I mean, seriously, he has _glasses_ for god's sake..." 

__

I know its rude not to listen to her. After all she is my best friend. 

But what the hell is she saying? Does she even have the slightest idea to what went on? Does she even want to know? Or is her little assumption good enough for her?

"…my god, so actually said that James was out last night! She actually saw…"

__

It obviously is. 

Her voice was now a slow drone, in the back of my mind. Like a soft humming. Thank god I can sort of block her out. I hope she doesn't think I'm listening…

"Lily? Are you listening to me?"

"Ugh, Alice- you know I…" James walked into the common room, followed by his friend Sirius. 

Oh god. Their eyes met- one…two… 

She looked away quickly- tearing her eyes from his.

'Alice- you know, I'm, ugh, I'm really tired." She got up out of the chair;

"Lily…" 

Alice wasn't dumb. Her gaze drifted to Lily then to James. And then back again.

"No, Alice, okay? I'll talk to you in the morning, alright?"

-0..0-

__

God- does she honestly think I wouldn't notice that? 

Does she honestly think I don't know she's ignoring me?

I walk into class- she creates a fascination with the wall next to her, I walk down the stairs- she's at the bottom- suddenly divination isn't in the High Tower anymore.

And then I walk into common room. And I look over at her. She turns away. 

And she yawns loudly, gets up, and half- runs up the stairs. Leaving all her books and quill on the table.

Okay- I know she doesn't want to see me anymore…but this is extreme…

"She's ignoring you, you know." Her friend looks up at me;

"She thinks she doesn't want to see you, " 

My heart thumps a little faster, does that mean she wants to see me and she's in denial? 

Or does in mean she doesn't and that Alice thinks she does and is in denial? Or maybe she's in denial about that?

Or maybe she's in denial that she's in denial about being in denial about liking me?

Yes. That would be it.

"You dick Prongs- I can literally hear your little hamster spinning," Sirius saunters over and nudges me in the arm, 

"Oh! And look how she's left all of her things out? She wouldn't want to leave them here, they'd get…"

"Stolen most probably." Alice butts in.

Sirius nods solemnly, "And that's her favourite quill, am I right Alice?"

"Oh yes." Alice said eagerly. 

"Terrible to have such a thing stolen- would it not James?" 

__

This would be almost funny if I hadn't seriously considered taking it up to her before. 

Maybe it would be better not to take it up to her? Wasn't I never supposed to see her again?

But saving her quill form an obvious disaster of a fate was allowed, was it not?

"Hold on, Alice- why can't **you** give her back her stuff?"

There was a moment's silence, Sirius looked scared for a second…"Alice…she's…she's got a cold…"

Alice suddenly coughed once, loudly. 

"And she must…go…to the…Sick Bay…. To…ugh…"

"Get better." Alice chimed in, "I must get better."

"Yes," Sirius nodded, "She must."

James picked up the papers, and dropped the quill into his pocket, "Well if you guys are sure…"

Alice sneezed.

"Well, okay…"

He disappeared up the staircase. 

"Any excuse." Sirius chuckled. 

-0..0-

She was packing her clothes away for the holidays. Folding each one neatly. Not a crease.

The door creaked as he opened it, her head spun around in surprise;

"You left these, downstairs…" he held the notebook up for her to see, perhaps maybe in self defence- he had a feeling that from their last meeting something hard might be thrown at him, anything in reach, just so he was prepared, "Alice said-"

__

God- that sounded so dorky. Does she know I had practised that in my head? Oh god… Is talking a good sign? Shouldn't she be talking? 

They stood there- facing each other- minutes passed- one…two…

Electricity bounced off of their bodies, contracting, grinding. Neither game enough move- to speak even. 

To breathe.

He crossed the room in two long strides, in one swift movement he had her face in his hands- he didn't even check to look at her face- check what he was doing was right. He just acted.

She groaned slowly as their lips met; _what the hell am I doing?_

If it wasn't for James' hand pressed against her back- she doubted she could stand. Her legs gave way- a definite shiver ran slowly along her neck as his hands massaged her neck.

Okay- but both factors could easily be explained by a number of things- like the fact that the dorm window was letting in a chill, and maybe I was severely lacking in whatever vitamin it is that is responsible for fundamental functions- such as leg-steadying. And those butterflies fluttering around in my gut? Indigestion. 

She needed to be closer to him- she needed to get closer.

__

She hasn't pushed me away and slapped me yet- a good sign, right?

She began stepping slowly backwards towards the bed.

__

I do. I love him. Shit- I am in so much trouble- why do I have to feel this way? 

He stopped to kiss the side of his neck, he looked up at her- into her eyes- Does she seriously want this?

There was a huge part in James that still couldn't believe he was kissing Lily again. Twenty-four hours ago he wasn't sure he would ever get the chance to talk to her again- let alone…_this_.

__

But then another- he was so close to her- so close to…Oh god- I've got to stop thinking about this, thinking sensibly. Fuck sensible thinking. 

Breathing slowly- she whispered, "Everyone's gone down to the kitchens for a party…" she pulled off his shirt- "I heard about it this afternoon…" he began unbuttoning the top if her t-shirt, nodding briefly, 

"…Not back till around twelve..." he murmured to show he heard, trailing small kissing across her cheek. 

They stopped as he kissed her again- silencing her- Putting everything- every emotion, hatred, lust, love…all into one single kiss. Bringing it al together- he needed her-

And she couldn't do without him. 

A match. 

Like all the clichés- all the princesses and their princes, Yogi and Lou-Lou, Elizabeth and Darcy…It was _so_ right…

__

There's going to be no use making anymore of her stupid rules anymore, he suddenly realised, _It's just going to end up like this…_She drew her hands up to his hair pushing him closer…_God…_his tongue sliding along her own… 

A knock on the door. 

They both froze. Daren't tot move. James's head shot up;

"L-lily?"

A voice half-whispered from the door, "Lily? Some…some, some girls downstairs told me you were up here packing…" he paused, swallowing hard.

James looked over to Lily's shocked face, milky white, she turned slowly to his, mouthing, _"Michael."_

"I've been thinking Lily. I, I know, I mean, I can forgive you- about, about you and whoever that guy was…"

James couldn't help it- a slow chuckle rose in his throat, _What a dickhead, the whole school knows and you can't even work it out…_

"I do love you Lily. I want to give us another try…"

__

I could kill the little shit…

"You- I, You don't have to open the door Lily…You don't have to, to talk to me if you don't want to…" He stopped for a second- as if waiting for an answer;

"Just- can you just, _think_ about it at least?" he turned to leave, but then, as an afterthought;

"I love you." His voice wavered at the end. 

Lily sat up as soon she heard his steps down the stairs, listened as the door softly shut.

James rolled off Lily, and picked up his shirt- discarded on the floor. Lily busied herself with the buttons on her shirt- covering her bra with one hand, trembling. 

James heaved her suitcase back onto the bed, tossing the once neatly folded items messily into the case.

She got silently up from her sitting position, pulling her hair into a messy pony with a lackey from her dresser. 

Stood there, face burning, watching as James walked out of the dorm. 

He turned at the doorway- neglecting to look into her eyes, 

'Have a good holiday Lily."

.

__ __


	7. six

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

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Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: A million and two thank yous' to: Squiggles1- If it weren't for you I would not have had the inspiration for the entire chapter. Small obsession- thankyou for both reading my story- and for introducing me to your fabulous fic! 

coffeegal102- thankyou once again for your on-going support through-out almost all of my stories! How you review always makes me smile. 

Dare I say it- but I enjoyed writing this chapter the most out of all of them, perhaps this shows in my writing? 

__

-0-0-

_Left, right, left right…remember to step, two three, four, don't stop…eight, nine, one leg, two… _

He could still feel the hammering of his heart against his chest, feel his legs moving below him- but was hesitant he was actually getting anywhere. 

He could be sure his hands were shaking, but unsure whether or not he could actually take his mind off of getting out of that room and look down to see. 

He could actually remember her face as he took one last glance to her- after promising he wouldn't. 

Alone, small; the bed looking as though it could eat her up. Sitting up at the top of her bed, pretending she wasn't analysing each and every move they had just made- each touch. _That's what I love about her._

It was scary how the words formed in his head, and then so easily they escape his lips. 

__

Too late now. He answered himself;

__

Do I always leave things, important things, let them settle- never even say them?

Amazing how you can know something for so long- that it begins to wear away like old stone against a new building. 

The bigger, newer things just take over- and when there's no one there to remind you of it, it becomes unnecessary. So it came as a shock to him when he whispered it- aloud. It had replayed over and over inside his head for so long- but now…

__

Oh god. She was, simply, per-

-0-0-

So. She was going. Home. 

She knew she should be focusing on the fact that her father was trying very hard to make her feel comfortable. 

Suffocatingly so.

People always try their hardest when they are feeling more unpleasant than their company. Ever noticed that? They're too preoccupied with what that person _should _be feeling- that they don't bother to notice what they really are. 

Lily wasn't too worried about coming home until she had seen her father; _he looks worse off than before,_ she immediately thought, then mentally slapped herself. That was what she had told herself all the way on the train- that he would only look worse because she hadn't seen him for so long. 

__

That's not true…she shook her head distractedly;

__

Smile…look happy, cheerful, be nice…don't mention it…

She knew she should be focusing on it- but she wasn't. Her mind was sloppily plastered with thoughts of a boy. One particular boy;

"So Lily..." her father began, "How has school been?"

This is it. Talk about everything you practised on the train, Lily. Talk about how hard the potions was, talk about the Hufflepuff third year of which you're tutoring. Talk about all of that, Lily.

"…There's this boy dad." Her hand shot to her mouth in a second. _I hadn't meant to say that!_

"Oh?" He turned his head from the road for a second, giving her a sly grin. 

__

That's why I said it, Lily realised, _I could always talk about things like this with him. Just because things are different now- I don't want more things to change. I want to feel the same. I can't- but at least I can make him smile. At least I can talk to him._

"I have a feeling this isn't that Michael boy we're talking about Lily?" He smiled again at her, as though he felt that this was good progress. _He wants the same thing as I do. _

She frowned, she had forgotten to write to him during the last month. Other things on her mind. 

"No, no- he- we broke up." She looked out of the window, _when had this conversation become uncomfortable?_

When you mentioned Michael. Her head was quick to answer that one again, _Because when you think of Michael, you think of James, and when you think of James…_

"Oh that's a shame." Her dad's voice brought her back into focus, 'So who's this boy, ey?"

Unknowingly, a slow smile crept along Lily's lips as she thought of him, _Unlike anyone else dad; he's just per-…_

-0-0-

**__**

Perfect.

It had begun to rain. No… rain could not possibly describe such weather. 

"Slow drizzle" would be what your grandfather would say; the forecaster would most probably describe it as "slight shower"

It was none of these. In fact, I cannot seem to find any such words as to tell you what it was.

Perhaps spitting? As if Zeus himself was partial to the old style western spittoon. 

The sun had long since taken refuge behind the grey, depressing clouds, giving the air a sharp sweep of the cool, a wind had become. 

A breeze, to make one shiver as to be out without one's jacket, had picked up the autumn leaves from the side of the road, once red and gold with youth, blown away to the gutters. 

Yes, both girl and boy decided at once. It was quite saddening weather.

-0-0-

Voices from downstairs woke Lily from her daydream. She stretched herself along the window seat of the sunroom. _Sunroom_, she repeated, looking out of the window again, _what a joke._

Walking into the hallway her mind again drifted to James, as if her mind had ever stopped thoughts of him. Wondered where he would be today, certainly not on his broom? Perhaps he was stuck at home as she was, looking out the window at this terrible weather…

"Lily! Lily- there's a boy here for you…" her dad passed her, winking and giving her ponytail a tug, "A boy…" his voice laughed from down the hall.

Lily's heart gave a jolt. James! He had come to see her! Her mind spun with the possibilities. Anxiously she thrust open the door;

__

Michael?!

"Michael?!"

"Oh! Lily, hi, " he gave her a quick smile, "Dreadful weather, huh?" 

Wherever her mind had been, flying about, amongst suns and stars and rainbows, all came crashing down, smashing into thousands of tiny little shards. Why does he always turn up? Always turn up when I least want him to? Immediately she felt a pang of guilt. 

Michael must have noticed her grimace, "Lily, you know- I could come back some other time, if you don't..." he eyed her baggy tracksuit pants and slippers. 

"No, no Michael," she found her voice, " here, come on in…"

-0-0-

James grinned as he crossed the street, almost tripping up on the kerb. _Lily's house, _he noted, _with Lily in it…_

It was, if he was to say so himself, frightfully clever of him. Who other wizard could find a house using only a last name and a book?

He was to surprise Lily.

Sitting at home watching the patterns the rain made on his porch was alarmingly boring, but it gave him an awful lot of time to think.

Think about Lily. And with all the questions and nonplus answers swimming around in his head he had been able to make one conclusion. 

That he was going to get nowhere sitting at home.

__

"It's just up here Michael, the second door from the stairs, I'll be up in a moment."

The blond haired boy studied the girl's room. Before sitting himself on the edge of her bed, he glanced at one of the photographs on her bedside.

She came into the room, and passed him a glass of water, "Now what was it you wanted to say?"

James looked up to one of the windows above the front door. A beautiful glass pattern was darkened from no glow of the sun, however easily seeing the expensive glass chandelier hanging from the antique ceiling. 

Taking a step away from the door and running his hand across the water from his forehead, he turned to the above window…

__

…the rain fastened its pace from the sky- beating down on the boy's raincoat. The boy did not bother to shake them away- nor did he move from the pour to the cover. 

From the clouds a streak of light passed, and from somewhere, too far to make out, came a darkening beating of drums. 

.


	8. seven

Cover your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

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Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most? 

__

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael. 

__

Author's Note: This has been sitting in my computer for over a month now, just sitting and stewing over. And finally, after so long of me having no ideas whatsoever of how else to write it- I've decided to cut my losses and see how it goes with you guys. I was unsure of what to write, so this is what came out of me a few hours after I finished the previous chapter. I have tried to incorporate some of the reviewers' ideas and such into it- but I'm unsure if _that_ idea got anywhere. I have hardly changed anything, so hopefully you'll enjoy it. 

-0-0-

"No James, honestly it was _not _what you think, I wouldn't…"

"Oh for god's sake Lily! I saw it! Don't lie to me and make it all-"

__

How had they gotten like this? How could, one second before, you love someone so much it hurt- and then the next screaming at the top of your voice? How did all of that add up?

"…he came over, he _wanted_, James, but I didn't, I _wouldn't_…"

__

When you were so certain that love conquers all? When you are brought up, when you're a child nothing else matters, love survives. Every article in every newspaper, no matter what has happened, fire, flood. Love survives. 

It might not be visible to those involved at the time, but it is there. The old man who watched it from his cushioned plaid sofa felt it. The girl who delivered that mornings paper felt it. 

No doubt you feel it.

"Just don't fucking lie to me Lily. Just…"

__

When you are in love, you don't fight. You don't yell or swear. Love is supposed to turn out like how it feels. 

The door slammed. 

-0-0-

She collapsed to the floor. Her body rippling with shock.

Crying.

Because what else was there to do? 

There was no emotion left in her. He had come in and soaked it all away, evaporated into mist and then into the air. She cried because there was no going back, she cried because she was empty, she cried because she still loved him.

But most of all, she cried because she now understood what had happened. She now understood what he had seen;

__

"I'll see you back at school, right?" she nodded slowly, smiling a little. 

He waved quickly before he pulled the hood of his raincoat over his eyes.

She was about to close the door when she saw him. A figure, leaning against the gate.

A figure she so very well recognised. 

She could remember faintly her father coming up behind her and wrapping his strong arms around her. He had been whispering soothing words into her ear, holding her like she was a baby once again, rocking. She could not remember what the words were. 

__

"Oh Jesus James, your soaked, quick, get inside, I'll…"

She had pushed him in through the front door, taking off his drenched coat for him and hanging it over an old chair.

She handed him a towel to dry himself, "Walk on the tiles or else I'll never dry the carpet out." She had joked, smiling at him.

He hadn't smiled back.

Her father had put her to bed that night, covering her small body with blankets like he once did when she was a little girl. Turning off her bedside light and closing the door slowly.

__

"Why hadn't you come inside before? It's pouring outside, you could have caught something."

He hadn't answered her. It was at this time Lily realised there was something wrong.

Hardly daring to ask, afraid of what the answer might be, "What's wrong James?"

He hadn't answered at first; he had sat there and waited. Lily couldn't move.

"I've been sitting here for how long now?" his question was not directed at anyone in particular, "And you've invited me into your home, you've given me dry clothes and…" he stopped, swallowing hard;

"I can handle all of that, but don't you dare act like your not fucking Michael, don't you dare lie to me and play me around."

He had watched his daughter sleeping. Watched as she breathed slowly in and out. Wondered what she would be dreaming? If the days' events haunted her sleep also?

He could not recall the last time he had felt like this, like he must protect his daughter from the harsh reality of wakefulness.

Perhaps it was the day she left on that train to go to her first day at a completely new school, a completely different world. He wondered if that was what every parent felt or perhaps he was just lucky to be burdened with the love of his children, and so with that came constant worry. Their mother used to do all of that, but now it was up to him.

That was what scared him the most.

He wished he didn't feel that he must protect her- but what could he do? 

She'd entered a place where grown ups play. And he wasn't sure he wanted her there just yet. 

-0..0-

__

I had been sitting there watching Lily as she ran around, fetching me towels and warm drinks. The words I wanted to say to her had played over and over in my mind as I had stood outside before.

I had decided I would be as cruel and as harsh as I knew I should be. _She deserves it._

As I watched her however, I began to falter; I began to wonder maybe what I had seen was-

No, that was a weakness. Remember what you saw before. Remember. _You know what you saw._

__

"…don't you dare act like your not fucking Michael, don't you dare lie to me and play me around."

The words escaped my mouth easily, but as soon as they had, I regretted them.

The look of utter bewilderment on her face as she turned to my eyes. _And hurt._

It seemed as though the words had cut her deep, somewhere, dark and sad inside of her. _I had hurt her. _

__

"James… James you, you can't think that?"

He turned his face coldly to her defiantly.

"James…" her voice was a whisper, begging.

I had tried so hard not to believe her. As much as my heart yearned to hold her and promise her I'd never hurt her again, I could not.

My pride had been hurt. I was embarrassed that I could be played so easily. 

And I had seen her, in her room with that boy, Michael. How could she deny it? How could she sit there and try to make me believe it was nothing? 

__

She got up from her chair, crouching on the floor she held his face in her hands, begging him to listen.

"James, I love you, you know, you know I would never…"

Tears fell readily from her eyes, as she kissed him. Forcefully, with all the passion she had left. 

Seeking, searching for what she still wished was still there, only hiding now, searching for his love for her. 

She pressed herself against him, her hand against the unshaven stubble of his cheek, pleading with him to believe her. She pulled away when she realised he was not returning her kiss.

His hand pushed her away. 

It was that second that I let it build, the barrier, the wall that would keep her away from me. To keep her lies withheld. 

I almost believed her when she told me she loved me.

__

He suddenly became angry;

"I told you Lily," his cracked at the end, "Don't…you've, you've already…"

"No James, honestly, it was not what you think. Please James, listen to me, we made peace James. That's all ever wanted from him. Peace."

"Oh for god's sake Lily! I saw it! Don't lie to me and make it all…"

"All **what?! **_What James? He came over, he _wanted_, James, but I didn't, I wouldn't…"_

Silence. They stood there, facing each other. Angry. 

Because if they left room for any other emotion they would end up making up- and neither wanted that now.

"Just don't fucking lie to me Lily. Just…"

He backed away from her, a scared look bleaching his handsome face, like a small child taunted over a school lunch. 

He was afraid of what he was feeling. Because he knew he should not feel anything else towards her than hatred. 

So the love that was so evidently staining his emotions confused him. He was afraid of what he did not understand. 

He stumbled and grasped for the door handle. 

Lightning struck the angry grey sky. 

Blanching the dark clouds with an eerie glow before another clap of thunder beckoned. 

A storm.****

__ __ __


	9. lucky eight

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most?

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing but the plot and Michael.

_Author__'__s Note: _Holy moley! Can you believe it? (No, I suppose you can't) The last time I posted a chapter here was almost exactly a year ago. Wowee. It has been quite a while.

I need to explain things before I go onto this chapter. Firstly- it has been an extremely tough past months in my family and I'm sure you know that some things mean a lot more than fan fiction. I wont go into any details because I'm sure you don't want to hear it. To all of the reviewers- your reviews have been the biggest thing that made me decide to update. And for that I thank you.

Now- this chapter has been written twice. The first time it was hastily posted in an effort to regain all of you lovely people's trust that I will write again- and i forgot entirely about how to write, and my own style of writing. In short- it was crap. I apologise for posting it now. When i read over your reviews i realised that it was not worth your reading and therefore i deleted it. One reviewer said- that i should try to bring out more of the character in my writing- it takes longer- but the effect is for the better. Thank you for that advise- I hope you can tell I have taken it to heart in this chapter.

On a final note: Lately I have been writing only for myself, and it's just helping getting me through a few things going on. So- to Dumbo- I promise you that I will never, ever stop writing. Your message made me cry- there is no way I could forget you.

Nike

-0-0-

_Dear Lily-_

_To Lily-_

_Lily,_

_I can never forgive-_

_Lily- what you did was-_

_Lily- If, for one more time I have to begin this letter again, I promise myself that I will turn it into the fire to burn. I imagine the flames will begin at the very corners of the parchment and spread quickly towards the middle, and there turn to ash all that I have written. Thinking of my words being erased into insignificant soot by the fireplace comforts me somewhat, and I suppose this is what will keep me from losing thought and having to think in the way I have for the past five weeks. For these weeks have, contrary to what I imagined, gone so quickly I am uncertain they have even passed. Ask me what I had done a single day ago and I do not believe I could tell you. For the most part- I have been thinking of you- Lily. And for the most part of that, I have been hating you. Because hate is the only emotion I truly understand. Hate is the only mask I can blanch and know that I have fooled all of those around me. Hate is easy- because hate has been the most of my life._

_I cannot understand you- and somewhere towards yourself- I trust you do not know me, do not know me to even begin trying to understand me. Someone wise once said, and do not ask me for his or her name because I would not have even the slightest reckoning, that to understand someone you must never love them. Maybe this is true; maybe love is some figure of shield that protects the other from looking or sounding...of feeling good? That love is some big lie, some big phoney glasses that blinds you to that person's faults and brings out only the best. You know, Lily? I think I could believe that. But if it were true- I would have believed you when you told me that you did not kiss Michael._

_So all that I can conclude from this is that I am a bad person. Once again, I have written myself into a dead end- a place where I do not know where to lead. This, when I sat down and collected a pen and parchment, was to tell you I would never forgive you. I know that this is not true. I could even go as far as to say that there was nothing to forgive- but perhaps I am not fully ready to admit this, especially in the most honest state I have been in so far. I knew that it was not true even before I spoke those words to you on that day. Because of me, because of my past, my present, my future- I am not the good person that you need to be happy. I can safely say that you understand form reading this that I love you, and that the wise person I spoke of might perhaps not been so wise. Because that is wrong. I love you- and I can understand, the one thing that I can understand about all of this is that you are perfect. Even when I am blinded to you. _

_As you have already guessed- I am not going to send this. Ha. I bet you knew from the very beginning, before I had decided on the "Lily" than the "Dear Lily". So this has been a waste of time. Ask me tomorrow, Lily, and I will forget that the soot collecting at the bottom of the furnace was my mind- for one moment. Truth. _

_James_

_._

_Dear James,_

_If you do not speak to me for another year, and a further year from that then I could understand it. If I do not look at you for a day then I have a magnificent willpower that somehow I have kept hidden away in the shortness of my personality. I cannot blame you when I arrive at school and you are over me- and that this letter is simply another example of my foolishness and I will be forced to pretend that it does not matter. That it does not matter when I realise what I had been hoping, praying was not true the entire time I was with you. Every time you kissed me. That I am like every other girl. Except this time is a little bit different. You know that I love you. And I hope that it is another fault in me when I tell you that I know you do not love me. If you were to walk into my bedroom right this moment and tell me you loved me I know that I would believe you. No matter how sincere you looked or whether you laughed and screamed "Opposite Friday!" into my face afterwards, no matter that it is a Saturday and a Friday is not for another six days. And in another two days school begins again. Tonight I will practise once more how to forget you, knowing full well every time I do- I am lying to myself- over and over until I can no longer stand it and I go to my bed and close my eyes. My father will come into my room exactly one hour after he hears the creek of my mattress against the wooden floor, and he waits at my door until he hears my even breathing and decides that I am asleep. I am not, of course. He then opens my door and sits down on my rug and watches me. I do not know for how long because when I feel the slow burning of his sadness I cannot stand it all until I will myself to sleep. _

_I am sending this now-_

_(ha...opposite Friday...)_

_-0-0-_

Lily had learnt at a very young age that there is never any use in expecting something of the one person you would give the world to. It wasn't a matter of trust- to Lily it was common sense. Being close to a person required certain things…she needed to know that they would never leave her.

Her mother had not been her favourite person, in fact, Lily hardly remember much of her. Peppermint from her toothpaste, perfumes from a flowered bottle… She had once read that the human brain remembered smells most out of all the senses. She often wondered why she did not remember the smell of that night- wished the vision had not been saved but instead perhaps the burnt roast or the lemons sitting in the pretty bowl on the sink.

Her mother had planned to make a big dinner that night, but Lily did not remember what for. In the afternoon she had helped her pick the buds off the rosemary hedge in the yard to season the meat- remember whisking eggs for a pie.

It was a shame the fruit bowl had broken into so many pieces- Lily could remember. She had loved the swirls of greens and blues on its base, Lily had always been extra careful when she handled this bowl because of her tendency to smash expensive things.

She would like, for many things, to forget that things had happened. When she got older she pictured being able to just wipe away all of those memories. Just…gone. She would have loved to remember the good times. The saddest part of all was that she could not, for the life of her, remember any good times.

Lily knew that she had always wanted her mother to come home. At first she had believed it- so strongly. That she would come through the door later that night with some takeaway in one hand and a new dress. She didn't.

And that was her lesson to her daughter. Oh- she did not know it- but from then on- Lily did not try to expect anything more from a person. Because she would always be disappointed. It was safer to think this way.

Lucky for Lily that she had decided all of this so early. When she walked into the great hall- imagine if she had actually thought James would wait for her?

"Lily! Oh Lily! Are you alright?"

Lily pulled a face, "Alright? Why? What's happened?"

"But Lily…surely you haven't already…?"

If not for her friend's serious face Lily would have laughed and teased her, "Jezebel…" she warned, "Tell me what?"

Her friend moved about un-easily, wringing her hands together, she looked up to face her friend's calm face, "James has a new girlfriend Lily- I thought you knew-"

-0-0-

Lily woke up that next morning feeling hot and uncomfortable. Trying to roll over the blankets were so heavy that she could not move. She considered screaming until she realised that there was a body sleeping on top of her.

It took a sudden breath in as it woke up, turning its face towards hers- her scared wide eyes like globes staring. Yawning quickly it stood itself up.

"What the FUCK are you doing on my bed Potter?!"

-0-0-

It had been a fair question, James mused, as he chewed on his toast half an hour later. He tried to consider how _he_ would feel if there was a girl lying on top of him. _Considering _that she was his ex-girlfriend and up until the last time he saw her they hated each other.

Concluding that it was probably not a positive emotion he would have been feeling, James reminded himself that he did have a good explanation.

_"Well.... um...Lily- well you see I..."_

_At that point James remembered why he had gone to Lily's dorm in the first place. A sudden grin and he reached deep into his jeans pocket and retrieved a handful of black dust,_

_"I _didn't _forget Lily!_ _I thought I would have but i didn't! It's incredible- I know now that I know-"_

Taking into account that the soot had landed on Lily's nightgown and her new bedclothes- Lily had not been in the mood to ask his what exactly he hadn't forgotten. In fact- having woken up a few fragile moments beforehand, Lily had not felt in a rather generous mood.

_"James- why are you on my bed?"_

_"Because I needed to tell you Lily- I know now! I lo-"_

_Lily cut him off, "Shouldn't you be telling your girlfriend about this dirt James?"_

_There was a long silence as the words sunk in, James' face creased into a frown, "What do you mean my girl-"_

_Lily sighed, "Get the hell out of my dorm James."_

_-0-0-_

What had she meant? James didn't have a girlfriend, or that of which _he_ knew about.

Then it hit him, suddenly it made sense. _Lily didn't want to make up._

James had not considered this when he had snuck into her room late last night. The thought that she was over him had not crossed his mind.

It had happened after the feast, as he was walking up the stairs towards the dorms, well and truly ready to slip underneath the warm covers, when he had casually felt the lump in his pocket, stopping suddenly (causing Peter to bump uncomfortably into his back, "Ouch Prongs-") James realised what it was. The letter! He wasn't supposed to forget! He was going to apologise- he had remembered how he had felt. Not only remembered, but it had stayed with him for the rest of the days to school began. It was all he thought about. Running down the staircase he had previously climbed, James turned into the Head's Dormitories.

This had to be different, he had never felt this way. He needed to tell her right now, or else he never would.

After all- not once had he had a **real** relationship- according to Moony.

What was a real relationship? he had asked;

_"__A real relationship is where you both like each other without taking into account popularity or status…or-__"__ he blushed slightly- James grinned, __"__-sex.__"_

_James has scoffed at him, __"__I have so had real relationships! It can__'__t be my fault if they happen to include great sex, can it?__"_

_Lupin had, at that point, smiled slyly at Sirius from the corner of his mouth. Un-be known to James, they knew exactly how many girls he had slept with. And, contrast to James__'__ bragging, you **could** count them on one hand. _

Then James had begun seeing Lily. And all of that had changed. Lily was real.

It was all clear. He needed to get to Lily. _Right now. _

_-0-0-_

_So the plan hadn't worked out quite like he had imagined _

.


	10. nine

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most?

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing but the plot and Michael.

_Author's Note:_

I would like to, first and foremost, thank every single person that has come to this page. Whether you bother to read author's notes or not, (god knows I don't) I need to simply let you know how much I appreciate this.

That said, I am fully aware that half…at least half of my readers have moved on or given up on this fic- which I don't blame you for. Last year…was a very hard year. And, well…I'm not going to go on about it all… but…I came back to "Close your Eyes" by accident while I was looking through my word docs and I realized how happy it made me feel to have a person reply to my writing, in any form. It's been a very long time, at least 6 months I think, and I found an e-mail telling me to "never give up" on this story. And I suppose it looked like I had for a time there.

But here it is. Probably not my best, I have not written for fan fiction for a very long time and this chapter is just getting me back into my groove

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-0-0-

"Hey Prongs, its bloody freezing- get your arse in here"

The snow reminded him of everything pure...all the beauty he had ever seen, imagined...touched.

With her...he got butterflies. What a teenage, love-sick, girly thing to feel. He would never admit to it, but...something, _happened_ when he was with her and...time sped up.

With no friendly sign or light to prepare him. Suddenly he has missed everything, as though he had been sleeping for a very long time- her touch, her lips...her. He'd ruined something, in a moment, a second- gone. And suddenly all he found left, all life's sympathy could spare- the butterflies...dancing...

Lily. In a dress.

He forgets which colour, which day, year, and hour- she had worn it. Found in her mother's glory box, or was it? She had told him...told him her memory. Of this dress...was it white? Yes...he remembers...She had danced in it that day- felt she was a princess, a queen...

When James could not bring himself to remember a time where Lily was his, where eh was able to hold her hand, touch her, take her for granted. When he was so naïve to think that this would last; he would remember her telling him this single memory. For it was more special to him than any of the embraces they shared.

It had been almost midnight, they sat by the lake, laughing together, hidden underneath the tent-like safety of his coat.

She had been thrilled to break such a rule...and yet amazed that she was actually there. It was then that she shared...a part of her. Dancing, she was a little girl...her pleasure watching the trail of silk flow behind her, ever-trying to catch up to her as she dodged its tail.

A game. The flowers, embroidery...the feel of the cool, pleated sleeves against her skin...

He had slipped into bed that night feeling she had just given him a part of her.

And feeling so fortunate to be trusted with it.

Now it was all gone. And all that was left? The butterflies...

-0-0-

It was snowing.

How many months had it been since she had been sitting by the lake, cooling her feet in its water and laughing with her friends?

She hardly cared anymore. When it seemed only days since she had been following the raindrops hold races down frosty window panes, watching then swerve and mold together, as if following a line, a secret pattern only they knew...how could she keep track of time?

The seasons cruelly reminded her of it, every time she dared to open her curtains- to such an extent that it hurt to know that summer was coming soon...meaning a whole year since...

Time was a threat to everything she once believed in, and she could imagine it draining away all the things she could once look in the mirror and smile about; like the water after a bath- swirling and spinning down away and out of sight, a hypnotizing scene...watching all you ever wanted, helpess as it dries away. And the worst part, the most terrible, unforgivable thing was that she; she was the one that had pulled the plug.

She had done this to herself, and all she had the energy to feel now was regret. Playing moments over and over in her mind until she felt sick and her head felt too heavy.

Fall down to her bed and squeeze her eyes tight, let the any light filter away, let her eyes focus on nothing, nothingness... and do all she could to forget. Forget...for one moment even, for a second.

Let the dreariness of her mind blanch out the cool, pure white that surrounded her every-

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiily! You would NOT believe who I saw this afternoon with Jessica"

She sat up, her head feeling clouded and flustered to be disturbed from the trance she had herself under. She smiled in spite of herself...like a snake-tamer...

"...What are you doing Lil? You look sort of"

She pulled her hair away from her face and took in a deep breath,

"No, no I'm fine. Absolutely."

Smile. Look interested. Smile.

Apparently Ben, her ex-boyfriend, had been talking to Jennifer, who told Amy that he still liked her. And then when she went over to him at the lake he said they wanted to get back together again, and then she said yes and then they saw what they had-

_I wonder what James is doing?_

-just kissed. Right in front of her. Like she didn't CARE or something even though she wasn't there, which is so dumb because she knew she likes him. But really, that shouldn't change anything because she knew she's only doing this because she borrowed her dress for that party-

_He might be practicing Quidditch...is it Quidditch season already? I forget..._

-0-0-

"James, seriously- are you wearing a _t-shirt!_"

Remus didn't know what to think anymore.

Sitting, cross-legged by the fire, letting the heat burn onto his face uncomfortably, yet knowing he hadn't the energy to move, he sighed. He knew Sirius had noticed James' sudden change. Ever since first day- at the feast! He looked okay then, normal.

James had been sitting on the snow, a huddle of dull colour, a speck in the middle of the desert of white, for...hours, at least. Remus glanced idly at the stack of books James was yet to cover. Sirius muttered something under his breath as he jammed the window shut with an uncomfortable shudder.

Sirius wouldn't talk about James; of course, Remus knew he was still trying to bring his friend back by acting normally.

Normal. What the hell _was_ normal lately anyway?

From what his friends could gather- James was sulking over Lily breaking up with him.

This made little sense to Remus, as he knew Lily scarcely left her room, and, as Remus watched, on the few days she allowed herself to appear between classes, she tried not to look at anyone square on. For the first few days of school her friends grouped around her protectively, in a huddle of hugs and soothing noises.

Something had happened over the holidays, the question was, why?

-0-0-

As if both figures were frozen in one moment in time, both grieving...both basking in the cruel glow regret had shone upon them.

Both wanting...needing the same thing, however both convinced the other was feeling the opposite.

And so two figures moved in time, as if following a path somehow drawn out for each other, although neither believed in fate.

….

_a/n: hello again, I would just like to point out, if you have not already noticed, that I have been trying to compare emotions through the weather._

_At the beginning, everything was sunny and happy- once James and Lily get together, it is cold, (as their relationship hurt others, it is hardly a joyous affair) and (Lily sits in front of the fire for their first kiss) and a storm breaks out when they break up, through the whole misunderstanding. When they feel sad, and regretful, as they write those letters, it is drizzling. And finally, it is snowing. Both Lily and James are too scared to do anything about their sorrow, and therefore their love will continue in the icy, hollow state._

_A thousand thank you's. _


	11. last

Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)

Flossie1

Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most?

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing but the plot and Michael.

_Author's Note:_

This was like a tickle in my throat that I couldn't quite get away. It has been a year and a few months since I posted a chapter, and it has felt like decades. My writing style is almost black to white in contrast to the first chapter of this story, and I guess I'm still trying to embrace this sort of writing. (You may find it crap)

Im tending to write with a simple chain of thoughts that keep going, and I'm not sure that it works especially well. It's been so long that I'm not sure where I wished to go with this fic when I first started. But I do know that James and Lily always needed to make it work by realizing that they couldn't be petty, and they couldn't have trust that is only trust when it works in their favour. I hope I shed some light on that, but ultimately, I hope you don't think this is dreadful. I wanted to end this in the same way that I began it, with a little light heartedness, because I tend to dwell a little on extreme emotions.

Thank you _so_ much, even if you hate it 

-0-0-

It had reached the point that it no longer hurt, no longer burnt away at her skin as if searing against a hot flame… just as the snow outside had melted away, time had hardened her inside- was numbed, broken into a thousand shards of ice. The sun would gradually creep its way back to the drudgery sky, and the pain would one day fade away to nothing but a scar. Isolation had torn away everything she once believed she wanted and barred her to the whole world, called out to the vastness and brutally exposed all that was left.

She was nothing.

With that cheer realization that she couldn't function, couldn't think and couldn't breathe without him…anything hurt more than the knowledge that she lost him. That chance, that one chance. Slipped through her fingers and her! Without the insight to the tunnel of regret.

Lily no longer felt sad, no longer felt the familiar aching tears blaze against her cheeks, the wound no longer throbbed against her heart with a stealthy rhythm that refused her rest.

_I didn't think it were possible, but somehow he has found his way back into my thoughts. I didn't think I could stand his heavy weight… he has crept into my consciousness. _

_It does not surprise me to whisper this to myself. He never left me._

Her face glowed against the heat of the fire, against her auburn hair her skin seemed ablaze with light, with beauty and strength. Despite the glow of the hearth, she shivers, turns her face from the flame and clenches her eyes shut.

What can I say? How can I possibly know, understand?

She turns her head to look at me; staring through me- her beautiful green eyes hollow and dark. As if a shadowy glaze had been painted across her, she lowers her fix in gentle allowance…

Gradually the people filter out of the Common room, whispering and talking amongst themselves, their shadows play a gentle havoc against the tall stone walls.

The fire burns down to the final coals, glowing sadly in the last moments the light seems to cry and moan against the pressure of the darkness.

His voice breaks against the darkness, "Lily…"

She turns her eyes to him, searching his face for anything, any sign…

Her heart beating faster, she speaks, her words crackling like the coals spitting at the ash, "James, I need you to forgive me…I need, I need you to understand-"

"Lily you don't need me to forgive you, -"

As if his words broke her prejudice,

"I love you…Nothing else makes sense…Nothing else is certain right now…all I know is that I-"

His lips were on her's before she could utter another word; she pushed against him and felt the familiar strength of his kiss. He felt her tears spoil against her cheek, running against her skin on onto his with stealthy penitence.

He cradled her head in his hands, rubbing her cheek softly with his thumb his eyes searched,

"What are we Lily? When I can't listen to you…when I expect the worst…I didn't listen to you when you told me Michael was nothing."

Her face softened with his words, "We're young, we're learning James, aren't we? Cant we just, stop for a second and just…take control of everything?"

Smiling, "No, but we have this, this knowledge don't we? This- "he swallowed, "-love. Making this…what the hell is this? Fucking overflow of passion is what it is…try and let it work? Let it be whatever it had the possibility of becoming?"

She leaned her face into his neck and held it there, her hair fell across his shoulder, her heart slows as she breathed into him, feeling as though the air had escaped from her chest and all that she could feel was the overwhelming feeling of a beginning.

A true beginning.

She was free.

-0-0-

"You _idiot!_ Look what you've done, oh my god, oh my god, what is the time? Shit!"

She desperately pulled her comb through her thick hair, muttering angrily against her breath, her dress lay discarded across the shower curtain; James watched her as he sat proudly on the bathroom counter, grinning madly.

"Quick, oh shit what's the time? Get my dress James, I need you to do the zipper… it gets caught at the bottom bit…Have you ANY idea where my blusher is?"

Swinging his legs gaily off the counter, he thrust the mass of apricot and pink tulle material off the rail and danced it in front of her, "You're going to look like a big, beautiful boiled sweet," he teased her, his eyes dancing with glee, "Now, step in and I'll zip you up."

As she breathed hastily in, she caught her reflection in the mirror and smiled. Really smiled.

Shocking herself a little, a rush of excitement ran through her like a bolt of electricity and she spun on the spot, the thick material dancing about her as if under a spell.

"It's not really all that bad…"

"I'd say your sister's taste gets worse when it progresses to men…"

Slapping him lightly she turned her head, "He's going to be my brother in law in…" she paused to glance at the clock blinking on the microwave, "An hour and twenty five minutes!"

"Another reason never to marry into this family!"

Set on ignoring him she gathered up her skirt into her arms, with a quick morose glance at James' hair rushed out of the room to her shoes.

She felt the warm tingle on the sun against her cheek as she hurried up the path to her sister's wedding. Clouds had slowly filtered away into the sky, leaving the blue that yawned and stretched from its slumber.

It seemed an age since a day as beautiful as this, a day where everything seemed right, so clear and so perfect and so…

James' hand felt for her's as they waited at the front door, and, threading his fingers between, she closed her eyes and imagined life.

With disappointment, with cheating. With pain, with death.

With storm and black cloud.

But with clarity. With James.

-0-0-

_End_


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